


you love me losing my mind

by redsukiriot



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Breakup, M/M, a lot of emotional musical stuff that i call "almost a character study", given manga spoilers, given movie spoilers, no beta we die like akigetsu's relationship, so yes akigetsu is over here, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:01:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29388810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsukiriot/pseuds/redsukiriot
Summary: If Akihiko was to ever finish a song, it would be his own song with Ugetsu.The song they haven’t really danced to for awhile, but kept moving their feet to the cruel rhythm.A song that wasn’t soft, sweet or kind. It was just desperation and need for having their airways obstructed to avoid the excruciating feeling of being free.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Murata Ugetsu
Kudos: 4





	you love me losing my mind

Akihiko never finished writing a song.

What would he do if it was finished? If it didn’t have a new corner to turn, a new word to add, a new fight to break or a new tear to roll? Another hurt - just to feel it.

When you write, Akihiko learned, you let go. It’s off your hands, it’s out of reach from the fingers that play the chord even when the fingers are strumming or beating the Medium Tom; almost kicking the Bass drum with his own feet without the pedal. There’s no road to walk with those violent feet if the song is finished, if it has a period.

Ugetsu finished every song but Akihiko’s. And that hurt.

It hurt because there was love, but there was also an infinity of subjects to sing about. Love doesn’t work alone. Love most probably will break a person before it breaks itself if there’s only love.

It wasn’t just love, but the side b track wasn’t a good match either.

It was a song about envy and inferiority. A song about holding on so tight to someone so you won’t be left alone even if it's painful - even if you break the other person apart just to never stay behind to watch them glue the pieces together while you glue yourself in someone else’s bed. Or alone in your own nest, with a phone in your hands and glass askew upon a new shade of purple drawing itself on your eyebags; only because every touch is repulsive but oh, so needed.

If Akihiko was to ever finish a song, it would be his own song with Ugetsu.

The song they haven’t really danced to for awhile, but kept moving their feet to the cruel rhythm.

A song that wasn’t soft, sweet or kind. It was just desperation and need for having their airways obstructed to avoid the excruciating feeling of being free.

They were so afraid to be left alone to see what they really were, what they could truly be without a shadow over them or a shadow trailing behind that wasn’t theirs.

Akihiko has never finished a song. Ugetsu finished all of them but his. He tried to push Akihiko so hard, so shamefully, with so much rage that maybe the song would stay unfinished and the record was just not going to be played again, but deep down, he waited for the beat to start again and the pain to come. Ugetsu waited for the sound of a heart breaking muted by the sound of the condom package being ripped.

If the condom wasn’t used and if the coffee wasn’t served, then that would mean he was finally all alone.

Akihiko never finished his own song, but he was always finishing somebody else’s. He added the drums, he thought of the violin strings, he pretended to trust his guts. It worked. He wanted to break his own record, delete the mp3 archive, leave no trace behind.

When finishing something is too hard, so goddamn hard, you could just break it.

Some goodbyes don’t need to be heard. Some books don’t need to be finished with a perfect closed ending.

Just because Akihiko was conditioned to be bad at ending things, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a right to just break it off and start something new. Just because Ugetsu loved him losing his mind, just because he loved Ugetsu unsafe shelter,

he still could break it and bury it. 

Break free of their crimes and breathe a new singsonged note-

  
  


It already ended

for a new melody to start.


End file.
